Feeling strangely fine

There are many ridiculous questions that you will get asked in the span of a lifetime, but none as pointless as the question you will be asked daily, in fact you may even be asked it several times a day - How are you?

We all ask it, even though we don't really want to know the answer, and we all reply 'I'm good' or 'Im ok', when you know that the real answer is very different.

The average person tells 4 lies a day or 1460 lies a year, and the most common lie is 'I'm fine'. I guess it's just not the done thing to say 'I'm fucked intolerably & not existing'. This is why I like to keep it pc and say that I am F.I.N.E.

So tell me, how are you?

Ps. I didn't take this photo, but I sure wish I had...it's awesome. Will totally credit the photographer once I find out who they are.

Pussycat, pussycat, I love you...

Many people recoil in horror when I say I don't want children. Sometimes I believe it would be better if I said I was wearing a coat made from kitten paws and puppy dog tails...but that would never happen, because despite being in a very 'people' shaped career, I much prefer animals to people.

I looked up the latest headlines during my lunch break (now) and three stories came up in line with each other. The first was of a dog in LA, who stayed with another dog after it had been fatally wounded by a traffic accident. The second story was a transsexual making false rape claims and the third was a real life Sweeney Todd. When you compare these three headlines is it any wonder that I prefer animals to people?

When I started living on my own, I was terrified of the prospect of being lonely, and spending my evenings on my own, but the truth is, I am never alone. My pride of cats are always waiting to meet me from the front door and spend all evening following me around the house or curled up on my lap or feet (another valid point - people are not as forgiving foot warmers) Truth is, I get more attention from them, than I used to get of an evening as an 'xbox widow', and that just echoes my previous sentiments really - animals love you unconditionally, they don't care if your bums too big, they don't mind if you have a bad day, they will love you through the good times and the bad.

Case complete.

Hmmm, must remember to bring my book tomorrow...tis far more use with me, than it is sitting on the shelf by my front door. Right, back to work now...

When I'm happy,I am sad but everything's good, its not that complicated

Women moan that men are complicated, but I genuinely believe it is women who make men complicated –  let’s face it, men are pretty simple creatures. You see if you ask a man how he is, and he replies ‘fine’ he will genuinely mean that he is fine. However, because when we women reply ‘fine’, it can mean a multitude of meanings (such as ‘I am so seething-ly angry I can’t even begin to tell you’ or ‘You have let me down majorly and all I can answer is this one syllable word’ or ‘My god I am so very excited, but I can’t show it’ and of course there is the odd occasion when we say that we are fine, and we actually mean it), we tend to over think the answer provided.

When you think about it, the saying is ‘a way to a man’s heart is through his stomach’. So if they were as involved as we females like to make out, then the old saying would not have made it such a long time used. Women are far more complicated, for starters you couldn’t use the aforementioned statement, as we spend such a stupid amount of time worrying about the size of our stomachs, and any man aiming to fill them could raise suspicions of being a feeder (when, in my case, he may just be acutely aware of my severe lack of cooking skills).

Now, don’t get me wrong, men do have their complications, for example, when they say that they will call you later, I don’t think even they know when later will be. I mean technically, you could say (quite simply) that they will call later, as after all, five seconds from now is later, one hour from now is later, three days from now is later. I could go on, but I feel you get the gist of where I am going with this. Women however, need to analyse when later is. Is later in the next hour? This evening? Tomorrow? Generally we assume later is within the same 24 hours, and become perplexed when this ‘later’ does not happen imminently. This then leads to hours of agonising over why the call hasn’t occurred, and this is where it becomes messy.

If a female is waiting for one of their gurleys to call and the call doesn’t happen, then we pick up the phone and make the call ourselves. What we don’t do is check the phone every two seconds for the next five days in a row; nor do we recruit our bestie to analyse the past conversation that occurred and to spend hour upon hour dissecting each and every word used. So, it seems if a woman is confusing another woman, then we seek clarification, but if a man confuses a woman then we need tissues and a large vodka supply.

Now, just to clarify therefore, I guess at the end of the day, and trust me, this is hard to accept, (apply this simple logic to the phone call scenario) but if he hasn’t called, it's not that he hasn't called because he's busy, or because you didn't smile or talk enough (or did too much). It's not that he lost your phone number. The bottom line is, if he hasn't called, he's not that interested. See. Simple. 

I fought the law, and the law won.

It’s quite often that I moan about politics and the law, but rarely that I write about it, as in my world, time is often spent pondering the world of fluffiness. But, this morning, I have awoken early, dropped my phone in a cup of water (I know, who drops a phone in a cup of water) and I am cut off from the rest of the world. So therefore, I have decided to use the time connecting in a different way. Yes, I could have used the time to do the washing up, my laundry or begin painting my lounge (my mission for this weekend), but meh...

Yesterday the news reported that Karen Matthews has been released from prison after serving only half of her sentence (for the vile kidnapping of her daughter); not only that, but the Daily Mail wrote ‘Matthews was given a full makeover including a new hairstyle before her release to prevent her being recognised in the street’. Well, isn’t that jolly lovely - Yet another criminal who is clearly made to repent for her crimes. What message is this sending out? Break the law, commit a crime, and get a new hairdo. Yes, completely deterred – well done British justice system. Oh, and as you can’t hear me ranting in my lounge right this second, please read with a slight hint of sarcasm.

Maxine Carr is yet another example of a heinous criminal (the soham murders) that benefits from the tax payers pocket. It cost £250,000 to provide her with a new identity, including a new passport. Now, when I got married, I had to pay nearly £100 just to update my surname on my passport, the government didn’t offer to help me pay the fee. After my divorce, I considered returning to my maiden name, which would mean another £100 to change my passport back. So honest, hard working and law abiding citizens pick up their own bills, whilst evil, black hearted sadists get it paid for them...and people wonder why there is nothing ‘great’ about Britain anymore.

Things in my world are pretty black and white most of the time, which I know is not the best way to be. However, if you commit a crime that encroaches on another person’s human rights, you deserve to have yours taken away. Why should we pay to protect these criminals? I don’t remember receiving a letter from Scotland yard asking if I mind contributing to these (insert very bad word here)’s rehoming.

When I was younger, an ex of mine was found in my parents front garden with a knife at stupid o’clock in the morning. Of course he was arrested, but I was pretty freaked out. When calling the police to find out if he had been released, I was told that I wasn’t allowed to know, as that would be against his human rights. The fact he had a knife and was stalking underneath my parent’s car, in the early hours of the morning, was clearly acceptable behaviour.

There are no deterrents to crime. If you murder someone, and take their life, you are generally looking at ten years prison sentence. After all, we like to reward ‘good behaviour’ with early release. Good Behaviour? If someone has ended anothers life, what possible good behaviour can redeem this factor? Take Jon Venables for example. He was released on lifelong parole for the murder of Jamie Bulger, only to be rearrested years later for Child Pornography. Reoffending criminals are costing the tax payer £10 billion a year, and yet the justice system fails to learn from this.

The UK’s economy is in a disastrous state. Law abiding and hard working citizens are struggling to pay their own bills. The cost of petrol is going through the roof, rendering many helpless without their transport. The cost of groceries has rocketed, with even ‘Tesco’ now being considered an expensive option. Wages have not reflected the cost of living increase, with many incomes earning the same as they did three years ago, but based on the rising costs, are now worst off. And yet, the only people to benefit in today’s world are:

a)    The criminals, who pay no bills to the state whilst kept her majesty’s pleasure.

b)    The job dodgers, who decide that working isn’t for them, as after all, why work when everything is given to you for free.

c)    The baby machines, who just keep popping out sprog after sprog. Figures for 2009, the latest year available, record 138 births to women who already had ten kids.  Two had their 16th child and one her 17th. Together, they could be raking in £22,000 a week – around £1.2million a year – in benefits.

d)    Non-travelling travellers, who when being moved on from an illegal site here in essex, were offered council homes, but decided that this was not enough. The fact that people on the waiting list for years cannot even get a home like these offered, is clearly not humble pie enough.

So excuse me, if I pay my taxes with gritted teeth, I don’t apologise that I have as much faith in the justice system as I do a cement swimming costume, but seriously, the government need to step in, stop pussy footing around the issues and actually attempt to make Great Britain ‘great’ again.

Exhale held breath at this point.