It’s not often that I jump on
band wagons, I’m normally the one driving the cart, however, today, I am going
to surprise the world and follow suit. A friend of mine had posted a blog
regarding divorce. I read it, and thought, fair play, was going to leave it at
that, but someone once told me that you should write about what you know. Unfortunately
divorce is something that I know.
Now before I get too ahead of
myself, this is his link:
I know he doesn’t need the traffic, and he gets more views a day than I can
hope for in a year, but I thought it only fair to give him full credit.
Ok, so his blog linked to an
article from the Independent stating how it should be harder to get divorced,
and to that, I argue that you have no idea how hard the divorce process
actually is. I’m not talking about the legal implications, legally the only the
only people who win from divorce are the lawyers, but the piece of paper that
they are fighting over is just the seed to everything else.
Legally divorce isn’t that
difficult. You go to the office accompanied with a friend who will prop you up
as your vision becomes blurred on the stairs, a friend who will ask all the
questions that you need to know, but your brain can’t compute, a friend who
will hand you the hanky as you tearfully recall the reasons why he walked out
whilst your brain still cannot understand itself, and whilst the lawyer doesn’t
bat an eyelid, nor does she look up from her paperwork. You hand over the
money, and in return you are given a small piece of wafer thin paper a bitter
trophy to the beginning of the end.
But let me tell you this, divorce
is emotionally hard. It breaks every belief that you’ve ever had. It takes your
memories and soils them and it most certainly ‘drops your vase’. People say
that there is no stigma now days with divorce – the people who say this,
clearly don’t have to carry such a label. If the pain of losing a loved one is
not enough, if the hurt of knowing that you’re not good enough anymore doesn’t
destroy you, then having to confirm your divorcee status as a regular occurance
is a pretty good nail in the coffin. I hate how when I fill in forms, that I
have to tick the box that states ‘failed wife’ – why does that make a difference
to my Tesco club card? How does that impact my pet insurance? People who used
to know me, now see a bare left hand where a sparkly diamond and wedding band
once sat, people who used to know me, heard down the grapevine about my big D,
and pass it from acquaintance to acquaintance, after all, the mighty have
fallen and one simply cannot keep such gossip alone.
The night ‘hims’ officially left
me, I had returned to our marital home under the belief that everything was
going to be ok. I sat there alone waiting for him to come home, I watched the
clock as the minutes turned to hours, and the daylight turned to dusk.
Eventually I called him and he told me, that he wouldn’t be home that night or
any other night. I remember my skin turning cold, my legs buckling from
underneath me, and the most violent racking great sobs erupting from inside me.
I remember my landline and mobile phone competing for my attention, as both his
and my parents tried calling me, and I remember thinking I would never face the
world again. I don’t remember how much time passed after landing on the floor,
but I remember my parents coming through the front door, and I remember hugging
my dad so very tightly begging him to make everything ok. I remember my mum
whisking around the house taking down all of the photo’s that once proudly
displayed our smug married faces. They stayed that night, but as they slept in
the room next door, I sat there in our bed, in our bedroom, in our home silently
sobbing throughout the night, knowing my life would never be the same again.
Since that night I have a had a
network of support, whether it was my sister bagging up his belongings , my mum
and dad enduring estate agent viewings as I tried to sell my home, my aunt
sending a polka dot care parcels, or my best friend ruining my liver and
building my ego. I owe everything to these people as they have got me through
up until this point. I wanted to write that they have got me through my
divorce, but the truth is, even after all this time, I still wobble. I still
want to wake up and forget that this ever happened, because it’s hard and it’s
scary.
My biggest fear used to be hims
being in an accident and not returning one night. If he was out without me, I
would worry that when the door went it wouldn’t be hims, it would be the police
asking if I’d like to sit down. When someone walks out on you, it’s like they’ve
died, except from when a husband or wife dies, they don’t have the choice to
leave you, they are ripped away from you. Divorce is far worse, for the very
reason it is a decision that has been made that whatever life offers, it is
better than staying with you.
I still hear from hims every
week, whether it’s a text or an email, asking how the cats are, how the fruit
bushes are doing or whether I have signed the petition against Andrew
Landsbury. He’s moved on. He is with ‘little miss emo’ and from what I
understand he is happy. Please do not get me wrong, I don’t cry into my pillow
each night, and I have a new world which is mine for the taking, but it’s still
hard to know that I am no longer his
significant other, oh and whilst I am on this topic, what’s even harder is the
complete devaluation of my title. I have gone from being Hun, or The Mrs, to
Nicola. I received an email from him today with a link to Annie Lennox's 'Why' music video - which opens talking about divorce. Ironic really, considering this post. but yeah, shortcut to my email was named to Nicola (I have always hated my full name with
passion, and have never once allowed him or anyone else to call me by it), and even worse, the surname is of my maiden name, not even our married name. I don’t even know
where to begin with that.
I’m sure you are reading this,
thinking woooah she has issues, but please don’t get me wrong, I may be broken,
but I’m still good.
...So yes, Divorce, legally, isn’t hard, but don’t ever believe
it’s easy.
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